Dear dare-angel:

Welcome to the club!! Do you already feel

more intelligent and respected? ;P

As newly-brunette you should take this quiz

Dear diary...

I finally find a normal guy who is interested in me and that I also find nice. And I meet him a month before he is moving to a place nearly 300 km from here. He meets me and decides that he want to give this place one more shot and tries to get his job back. But gets a NO!

Yesterday I dared to invite him for supper and a movie and I dared to tell him when it was time to go. I'm proud! I feel much more confident right now and a lot is thanks to my colluege but also to my self. He wanted to come to me late tonight but I turned to my heart and asked it what it felt. It was scared for not be able to say goodnight later. I want to get to know this guy in slowmotion and not fastforward everything because I can't say no. That's no longer my behavior.

I feel very scared and nervous around him and said that to him too. Also good for being me :). Now my defenses are kicking in and they are only letting me see all the things that are wrong with me seeing him. But I'm strong and I'm trying to do the opposit of what my fears are telling me to do but still what I want. It's a thin line between theese two.

And today I turned 26 and there is nothing to do about it. Feels good though! Everyone else is also old *mohahahahahah*

That was just a little update!

Being 26....

A short message to a person soon turning 26 from a person who turned 26 five weeks ago ;)
First of all: don't worry, life is still te same when you're 26 (or is that something to worry about??)
Second: being single and 26 is trendy (or otherwise we will set the trend)
Third: They say that 40 is the new 30 (so then I think: 30 is the new 20, 20 is the new 10 which means that we are in our teens ;P )
Forth: F*ck age, it is nothing but a number (be 25 for the rest of your life)
Five: ...(this one is up to you)

Dear diary...

... I don't want to be worst than my dear dare angel friend. I have very much anciety for the moment and it's mostly because I feel like I'm standing in the same spot and not moving forward. I need change but I'm too afraid and I don't know wich change I should make. I've fallen in love with a man I can't be together with and that hurts a lot. I just feel alone and sad right now.

Dear dare angel friend, I'm happy to hear that you are feeling better. Thank good that you got that sorted out and took the help that was given to you. Lots of hugs

I've also found a video that has great lyrics and that I feel very close to.

Death cab for cuties at your service:
I will possess your heart




Sorry that I can't be any more hopefull today.

Dear diary...

...just because.Because I am in blogging-mood ;)Because I wanted to post and share this great song (especially the lyrics) for such a long time.

Eat, Pray, Love!

It seems like currently everyone is reading this book, I can imagine you are too. I received it for my birthday while I just had bought it for another friends' birthday who in turn also had received it twice...

Anyway, normally I am not that much into these 'books-that-have been-recommended-by-Oprah-and-read-by-overhysterical-housewives'. Excuse me for this quite offending generalizing typification. And in the end: I have also read 'the secret' so maybe I am part of this group but I just don't want to admit it yet ;)

However this is different: Even though I have not read the whole book yet, I already feel like it came into my life at the right time. -As I interprete it- the writer is at a point in her life where she realizes she needs change and decides (and more importantly: DARES) to get rid of the secure life, the life that people expect you to be happy in. It encourages to take chance and not go the path that has already been paved for you.

To give you an update on my life: I have the feeling that at the moment I have found the peace that I needed for years. Of course I have not done that on my own. The combination of the haptonomist and medicines have given me a balance that I have not felt for years. It's so strange and I can't explain it. It sounds very philosophical I know, but I have the feeling that in many aspects in my life there is no need to hurry because no one expects me to (or at least should expect me to). I live my life the way I want to live my life and not the life of others.

Dear dare angel, how is your life at the moment?

To Dare Angel: Reaction on Test

Dear Dare partner, In response to your post on the other blog I decided to do the personality test too and this was my result. It's quite adequate compared to other tests I have taken. What do you think??

Your personality type:

Quietly forceful, original and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people and concerned for their feelings. Well-developed value systems which they strictly adhere to. Well-respected for their perserverence in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following.

Careers that could fit you includes:

Counselors, clergy, missionaries, teachers, medical doctors, dentists, chiropractors, psychologists, psychiatrists, writers, musicians, artists, psychics, photographers, child care workers, education consultants, librarians, marketeers, scientists, social workers.

Dear diary today I dared to...

... flirt with someone I acctually have chemistry with and that I sort of like in a way. I start from the beginning.

Last zaturday I worked out on the streets by night. We have this market every year and that's a time when many young people drink alcohol. So we are alway out working then. Anyway i worked with this nice policeman. H´'s helped me before with policem mathers especially when my neighbor got crazy and ever since then he's been really kind to me.

We worked together in a couple of cases that evening and last night I thought that I maybe should thank him for a good communication and work and stuff so this morning I sent him a textmessage saying: thank u for zaterday evening. It's nice working with you and I would like to work like that more often and in the end I wrote hug.

And acctually it wasn't that hard. Because if you feel chemistry. you'll have it. Chemeistry you can only feel if its two feeling it... I think that if one feel chemistry the other does it too. But somethimes people get affraid to act on it because they only think negative thoughts and that is acctually mostly their problem!

And we have it. Anyway I didn't got a answere until after lunch and the funny thing was that i acctually rn in to him under lunch. He had a emergency case up at our work place so I walked buy him while he was talking on the phone. God! what a wibe!!

Anyway after his meeting i got this really nice textmessage back and I felt like a teenager... I was blushing, feeling dizzy, swetty and just stupidly smiling. And I wasn't at all listening to what my colluege was tellig me about at that moment.

I get happy when I see him. And he wrote back to me: It should be me that's thanking you. It's a pleasure working with you. I can always trust you - you are like a rock. I hope I'll get to work more with you in the future. I always get happy when I see you and today you made my day again. Hug

I don't know where that came from but I just knew that I needed to take a chans and send him something. Because I've felt a wibe for quite a while now. :)

And I've gained some happiness and boost! I haven't lost anything at all (yet)

Dear diary, yesterday I dared...

... to admit to myself that I needed help. This week I was supposed to leave for my trip to another city to do interviews for my thesis. However, last weekend was quite filled with two parties and this resulted in waking up with a huge cold and flu on Sunday. Just when you don't need it.....I had to cancel the interviews as I sounded like a person high on drugs.

For me this was the so-called last drop. Next to feeling sick, I felt like a looser not being able to be strong and just do the right things to finish my thesis. Some time ago I had been advised to go to a person called 'haptonomist'. This is a kind of personal coach who tries to balance your body and mind. Many athletes actually use the help of these kind of coaches.

I was very lucky because I could meet my coach today already. And this felt so good! I have talked for an hour and everything came out: my frustrations, fears...The nice thing is that the sessions are a combination of talking and touching (mind & body). I know it sounds weird but this really works.

The funny thing that came out of the first talk was that I have been treated all my life as 'that sweet little girl' by people and that I also act like that.I am so fed up with that, there is so much more! So from next week with the help of my coach I am going to change that. Don't know how though...Any suggestions?

Dear diary...

...this music is not a reflection of my state of mind. I just like it and want to share it ;) It reminds me of the place where I spend last year and the two times I went to a concert of the artist...Maybe it's nostalgia, I don't really know.

Dear diary...

... today I felt real pure happiness twice! But first I want to tell my partner in crime, yes you my sweet dare angel friend that I started to write a comment on your post on the blog. But then I desiced to whrite on the blog instead. you inspired me.

I've desided to try to not picture happiness only with a man by my side. My friends tells me love comes when you've giving up the thought of needing a man. I think I'm doing pretty nice, all though I've only tried for approxamatly 24 h. :)

But I felt real happiness when I read my friends post on this blog today. And something in me realized that love comes in many chapes. Don't worry I'm no lesbian, but I love you, my dear friend! And it feels good not being out there alone in this love djungle.

De second time I got happy to day and my heart felt the warmth of love was when my dear friend E called. We just talked about the usual stuff and I didn't feel alone.

You are so right about running, it's really good for the heart, brain, mind and body. Off course. I wish I didn't had to take it easy this week. :( I have no idea what that diseace do to your body, you have to explain to me in a email or something.

Take care... a big godnighthug from me to you!

Dear diary, today I dared...

...to start running again! The last weeks I started to feel that my pants were too tight, my so-called 'love handles' were appearing again. Oh, how I hate those bumps on my hips! Since I stopped dancing and sit behind the computer all day, it was not really a big surprise.

Running has always been a good exercise even though I suck at it because I can't even run for 5 minutes! Anyway, today I couldn't take my feeling of being fat and lazy anymore and I jumped on my bike and went to a forest nearby. There I ran for about 45 minutes. Of course I got punished for my good behaviour when in the middle of an open field it started raining really bad. I was totally soaked. However, it felt so good! Exercise is not only good for the body but even better for the mind and I needed it.

The last weeks have been good. I have arranged interviews for my thesis with some important people and will travel there next week. I have passed my last exam. The 'bla-bla guy' has not contacted me in two weeks. Next weekend will bring two parties and I went for shopping therapy last weekend and bought a nice leather jacket and cute shoes.....

The only thing that maybe worries me a little is that I have had blood tests in the past week and they think I might have a disease called hyperthyroidism. Don't worry! It sounds terrible, but it's not that bad. You know, I would be relieved if it turns out that I have it because it explains so much! For example my feelings of total stress in my body which always get in the way of so many things.

So overall: Life is good!! Hope for you life is good too, my dear dare angel....

Dear diary...

today I wish for a bit of hope.

A Message to 'bitter-Berit'

I think I am being haunted by my own ‘bitter-Berit’ for years now, (maybe I should call her ‘defensive-Diane’ or something hihi)

I recognize the issues written down in the previous post. In many of my decisions I am totally trusting my inner-voice and it tells me that a guy is absolutely not my type. The arguments brought up by my inner-voice for him being not my type are partly stupid: the one time you met him he was talking crap (still, I think this is quite a legal argument), his way of asking you out was sooo cheesy, he has almost only girls reacting on his networking page so he should be a player, he is 28 years old and still single so there should be something wrong….and so on. So many thoughts…And it makes me build up a wall around me and create a defensive attitude.

Regarding the example of being in a car and passing these exits, maybe you should also ask yourself these questions: What if you take one of these exits on the highway? Where will these exits eventually lead to? It could be that you will come to a dead-end.
Wouldn’t it be better to turn off your thoughts and just go? I wish it was that easy…

Yesterday I had this talk with a friend of mine and she reminded me of the fact that I have nothing to lose. She told me to just go on a date and see. But to me that is already a big step while again that little voice in my head tells me that he will see it as a sign that I like him. On the other hand my consciousness tells me that this will be about the fourth time in a year that I will reject a guy before I have even taken the effort to get to know him better. I am afraid that I have created a prince charming in my head which simply doesn’t exist. I am waiting for the same feeling and connection that I feel with that guy thousands of kilometres away from me. And I am afraid that I will not feel that with any other guy anymore.

Maybe it’s time to declare war to these ‘bitter-Berits’ because really: what do we have to lose? And about your date: don’t worry about it, just go! You never know how it is when you don’t try….Afterwards you can say if it was a good move or not. If it was not: you learn from it. (I know, this all sounds sooo cheesy) Most importantly: the road is not one-way, you can always turn around!

(It’s easy to write this down, but now I will also have to convince my alter-ego when it comes to my date…)

Dear diary...

.. I know I'm supose to write things I dare but to day I freaked out and I'm wondering if I ever will find some one så perfect to be my prince charming.

I've told you about my up coming date this weekend and i felt so good and easygoing about the whole thing until 3,5 hours ago. After I talked to him. I have now a huge anxiety thats making me sweat and feel dizzy. How can I in one our feel that sparkling feeling in my stumach and the next moment just get out of my mind?

So I've read this book about relationship and ways to find a close loving relationship and stay with it. I can at least say I have issues with this! In the book they hade this great adwises what to do and one was about a car on the highway.

I should imagine I sat in a car driving on the highway and my only task was to keep driving and not turn off. On my right side I would se this signs with messages on it. The massages are reflections of my negative thoughts and I would read thm BUT not act on them.

So I'm amagine this now. I'm driving towards a unknown goal and all I have to do is to keep driving. I read the signs and this are the messages:

He is too young for you, he lives in Å - it says it all, he knows some of my former daters, he is a mothers son, he can't cook, he's probably not that active to do stuff, He'll be like my ex-boyfriend (bad thing), he will fool me and laugh behind my back, he just want to get layed, people around us will think`i'm weird being with a younger guy, if it's not working out I might to have to move, ofcorse he wouldn't like me, I'll get boored adventually and then I would hurt him anyway, I can't iagine us together, it feels wrong--then it is wrong, Logic, girl! Listen to yourself, turn away from the highway ore you'll be hurt. Listen to me, you are a fool, offcorse he doesn't like you and if he does he doesn't know what he's getting in to, maybe you should just spare him...ok?! Turn the next off before it's too late and you are stuck with a kid and a unsmart guy, You ar cheap, worthless and hopeless - accept that you are going to spend your life alone, because this is pathetic.

Holy banoly! That's a lot of negative thoughts and it's the first time I've wrote them down like this and can read them. I need to change this...There'll never be a guy perfect enough to be my prince charming.

I had this alter ego that I call bitter-Berit. Once upon a lifetime I created her to save me from getting hurt. And she helped me a lot, but the thing is that she now a days not only is saving me but protecting me from living life. And that's not what I want. I want love, I want to find true and longlasting love.

Please help me! Do you dear readers have any tip for me?

Dear diary today I dared to

send a facebook email to a guy that I would like to get to know. I sent: Hey, I think it would be cool if we could hang out some time. I'm busy this weekend but next zaterday evening I'm free. He answered in 20 minutes: Sure, it'll be fun. I'm going away this weekend but next I think I'm free. I answered: Great! Then maybe you could call me next week so we can deside a little bit more.

I was really scared and my coworker had to push the sendbutton because at first I didn't dare to do it. I'm afraid that he would make a fool out of me to his friends. My coworker asked me why he would do that. And if he would he's not the guy for you. He's smart :) I used to be smart too, but I don't know what happend.

My dear dare angel friend how's everything going for you?

Dear diary, today I dared to...

...call the dermatologist to cancel a facial peeling I was supposed to undergo next month. Since a few years I have had problems with my skin. I hated my big red nose with its huge pories (I always call it 'the strawberry on my face') and decided last spring to have a consult at the dermatologist. She advised me to go to a cosmetic dermatologist to have a facial peeling. This peeling consisted of a substance being put on my face and burning the upper layer of my skin so new skin would appear (I know, it sounds masochistic). Two weeks prior to the actual peeling I had to start using these cremes and after the peeling I would have a swollen face and was advised to use painkillers for one week. I also signed a contract which stated that I was aware about possible side effects. My god, now I am writing all these things down it even looks more crazy that I even thought about doing this!

Last months several friends told me not to do it while they didn't see the use of it. However, the real doubt came when even the lady of the tanning salon where I weekly go to told me that I really shouldn't do it because it was not necessary at all. I mean, she is a person that I don't even know very well, but her words were more trusting than those of all the others.

I do understand it when people decide to have cosmetic surgery or cosmetic changes of any kind, because it can raise confidence. I always compare it to the moment I got rid of my glasses and started wearing lenses. My dancing teacher one day told me she thought I showed so much more confidence since I was wearing those.

Still, I also realize that it is society that creates the beauty ideal and indirectly causes people deciding to turn to cosmetic surgery etc. There are these sayings like 'there is much more than what meets the eye'. I totally agree, but in reality the first impression often is the decisive one. Ok, I'm getting too philosophical here, I just think that feeling comfortable with how you look adds more to your appearance than any cosmetic change so I realize I have to work on that instead of turning to these artificial changes.

Dear diary today I dared to...

...stop and think before I acted om my feelings. You know sometimes bad things can be compared to real good chocolate. It's easy to take a piece without thinking but as soon as you taste it you just want more. And afterwards you get anxiety because once again you're stuck with you hand in the cookie jar - Wondering what the heck happend.

But today I stopped and thought about my options and consequences before I tasted that good sweet loving chocolate. And somewhere in my bright mind I realized that if I would fall for temptation I'd be very disapointed in myself and I would feel stupid. Because I've made this really good choices lately, that I'm proud of.

Chocolate is nice but it lasts for approximately five seconds before you have to take an other piece.

Dear diary, last week I dared

... to tell a guy my true feelings of dissapointments, sadness and anger. This guy, I call him R, has had special place in my heart for a long time. I can't call it love, but strong and true attraction. I've had a hard time letting go of him and eventhough I've not admitted it to myself I've been dreaming about him and imagined our future together. Thats so tipical me! (I get tired of my self)

Any ways, last week I was on vacation with my two friends HE and HD in the town were he lives. We had earlier talked about getting together during the week so I send him a textmessage in the beginning of the week, just saying hi and telling him I'm in town. I have to admit that I had hoped for a little more entusiasm then I got. He didn't answere in two whole days. And me and my friends had a big discussions how it could be. I desided to send him another textmessage. Saying sorry that we didnä't get in touch with each other yesterday, because we had a beautiful day by the sea. I wrote that it would be nice to get together during the week but that it was OK if he didn't want to or didn't have the time. Just let me know. Then I got an answere: Sorry that my answere is coming so late. I've been real busy these days. It would be very nice (sv:mysigt) to get together. I'll try. Hugs.

I was so happy! I jumped up and down and making weird faces in the mirror. Two days went by without him calling or texting me. And I began to loose hope again. But with my two friends I desided to write him a propotion that he could say no to if he wanted. So I sended: Hi, I was just wondering if you want to eat lunch with med on zaterday. I got an answere back: That I can do (weird answere I thought, but what the heck he wants to see me!) On zaterday morning he sended a textmessage that said that he was too tired to get up because he worked until 07:00 this morning. He wondered if I could go for a coffee with him on sunday. But I was leaving then so we desided to meat 19:30 that evening instead.

I was happy again, but also a it anoid on the whole situation. I felt like I've forced him to meet me. I had a feeling that it wouldn't turn out as good as I hoped and I almost wanted to write to him thanx but no thanx. Then I said to my self: It's just a coffee and I know the guy. Maybe meeting him can help me sort out my feelings. I started to get ready and also got very nervous at the same time. When I was sitting at the tram, late for the meeting I got a textmessage from R. F! I'm sorry but I don't have time to meet you today. But my friend A is going out with a friend. Maybe you could meet him for a coffee instead. I write his number to you.

...

Anger, dissapointment and a big ? *What the f*ck* I got so mad, I usally don't get very mad but this time I just freaked. 1000 thoughts were cirkeling my head and I didn't know what to do or think. I called A, but then turned the call of. I wrote to R : What? (didn't get any answere...figured!)

But then I thought. My options were to:
A) get the next tram back to my friends place and spend the whole evening feeling stupid and discussing the big loser and his behavior.

B) call A and meet him again. (the most helarious guy I've ever met) Have a coffee and just talk. I was ready to go out and the girls back in the appartment weren't up for an night out like I was.

So I called A. He felt sorry for me and admitted that his friends behoavior was a bit odd, especially when he, R, was sleeping at the moment. So A said that he would meet up with me as soon as his friend was ready to go. I sat down and got som food from a store. I called HE and HD to tell them about the whole thing. They got as upset as me. HE thought that I should tell A how dissapointed and sad I got by R's behavior. Because R would really listen to his best friend A.

Anyway A and his friend D came and later on their friend M also. We sat down in a café and had a couple of beers. We talked about relationships and stuff. And A was really sweet. He saw thru me and pointed out my problems actually without knowing me very well. He said that I should start believe in me and stop waiting for guys to choose me. If I meet a guy I need to diside if I want to meet him again or not, don't just wait for him to make his desission. Then he asked me if I think something is wrong with me. I looked at him and I didn't know what he was going for... so I asked what he ment. He asked me again: do you thik that something is wrong with you?
- maybe my stumach is ugly.... I said.
- That's what I'm talking about! There is nothing wrong with you! I look at you and I see nothing wrong!
- thank you, I said happy but felt a bit stupid.

Any ways I'll try to get to the point here. The guys desided to go further on to the place were R works, It's one of the best nightclubs in town. I didn't like the idea but M had promised me to give me a ride home later on and I thought that it might be good to talk to R face to face. I did understand during my chat with the guys that this behavior of him is very common among his friends. And M had also got dished today by him.

At the nightclub I said hi to R and when he hugged me I tried to just as a joke kick him between his legs. So he should understand that I wasn't glad to see him. He understood. i got to tell him about my feelings and he tried to come with excuses, but I didn't want to listen to them. So I went away with A, D and M and we danced and had a really good time. When it was time to go home I came by R again and I opened my mouth but he said. Before you say something. I've been thinking about what you said and I'm sorry. I've learned a thing or two.

It looked like he really ment it. I hugged him and said good. Now if you want contact with me you have to call me. Because I erased your numbers from my cellphone in anger. If you don't want contact, don't bother calling or sending textmessages.

This whole experience was good. His behavior was swinish (is that a new word). But I learned a lot about my self and now I've let him go emotionally. Now he's just one of those guys that I've had great moments with but nothing further. I had a lovely evening with three nice and handsome guys. Who knew I was supose to meet three new friends just because one dished me? What can a girl dream more of than being the center of diskussions for a whole evening?

I need to start like me and see myself from an other view. I'm worth finding love. And I'm worth a man who knows how to threat a woman and ask her out and stuff. I'm worth waiting for. Guys need and wants to hunt - there for I'll from this moment try to be a victim of hunt rather then the hunter myself.

Update...

While I was posting on the blog, I saw that he has just added me to his MSN (which means that he has my other e-mail too...)I won't accept him though

Dear Diary, last weeks I dared to…

…think that there are actually guys that are attracted to me. But that these guys always turn out NOT to be my type. So I think we have a problem here.

Here is the story of two weeks ago. (I have to warn you, it’s complicated)
I went to a birthday party of two of my friends: let’s call them W. and D. (they are a couple) It was in the middle of nowhere because W. is a veterinarian and therefore he has to live on the countryside. They organized a barbeque and there were about 30 people. As it would be difficult to get home afterwards, almost everyone stayed over in tents or slept on the floor and couches.
I went to the party with two other friends who are a couple (T. and A.). I think you heard about them when I told you about that night when they decided to stay over at a friend’s place because otherwise I would be alone with him (which I absolutley didn’t want). They are so nice and I really trust them. This time again I would be sleeping together with them in the living room and again: another guy would sleep there on the couch….I have to say I got a déja-vu when I heard someone would be joining us but anyway…
I think I also told you that W. already when I met him for the first time (as the new boyfriend of D. ) tried to arrange a blind-date for me with a friend of his because he really thought I needed a boyfriend. I was so irritated by that!
So this was actually the second time that I met W. and I was a little bit afraid that he would again try to hook me up with someone.
Anyway, the party was very nice. But the weatherforecast had been pretty bad and at some point the sky turned black and there came a terrible wind from the fields right over the spot where we had the party. As W.’s house is very little we had to hide under the partytents outside. Because of the terrible wind for half and hour we were all hanging at those tents to prevent them from being blown away. Must have been a funny picture. But when I was hanging there a guy came standing next to me helping me and offering to get me food and so on…And from that moment he came standing next to me and talking to me whenever he could. He was absolutley not unattractive but I got so tired of this, especially because his talk was very stupid as he obviously had a hard time trying to find topics to talk about (and I was not helping him of course hihi). My friend A. noticed this too and also got annoyed by it. Then I saw the guy going to W. and I noticed that they were clearly talking about me. So I think that was the point that he got to know I was single (he already tried to get that out of me, but I kept giving vague answers).
And then came the worst thing: I found out that he was the guy that would be sleeping on the couch! At some point quite some people had gone to bed and I decided I would go too so I would be asleep when he would go to bed. T. and A. also were still up so I was the only one in the living room. But then, when I just went to bed, he came into the room and asked if I was asleep. Then he started a whole conversation and asked if I had gone to bed because I was tired of his talking ( I should have said YES, but I was too polite) Luckily my friend A. had noticed he had gone inside and decided to go to bed too because she knew I didn’t like him and that I was alone with him. So when she came in he finally stopped the conversation and went to sleep. The next morning I did everything to avoid him.
So I hoped that was it. Well…it was NOT.
He managed to get my e-mail from D. At the party he mentioned something about a list with 43 things he wanted to do in his life. He thought I should fill in that list too and attached his list to the e-mail. The e-mail was just saying things like ‘how are you’ and also if I wanted to fill in the list. I hate lists so I wouldn’t do it anyway, but I also ignored the e-mail and was happy that he didn’t ask me out or something….But I was wrong. A week ago I decided to take a look at the list he send me. And then I saw that he added a number 44: ‘to go somewhere with you and have a drink’. …
I decided to write him back and act like I hadn’t opened the attachment because I was busy and that I wouldn’t fill in the list..Hoping he would get the hint….But he wrote back the same evening saying that filling out the list wouldn’t be compulsory but what he actually wanted to ask was to go out and have a drink with me….
So I don’t know what to do now! What should I write? Should I go out with him while I know he is absolutely not my type? My friend A. wrote me today that she thinks I should send him an e-mail in which I write that he’s not my type. Period.

You know, I still don’t know if this was another trick of W. to find me a boyfriend. If it was, I’m very angry with him because I am totally capable of finding a guy my own. It just takes a little bit longer! But I will find him (and secretly hope it’s the one that I have a crush on….gosh! why couldn’t this have been him instead of a shit-talking guy asking me out!!!)

The problem is that I have had earlier experiences with guys asking me out and me being honest and saying that I wasn’t interested. I always felt so bad about myself when I did that! I always thought: what if I just went out with that guy, maybe he turned out to be actually really nice! But I always stick to my first impression and can’t get rid of that!

Dance says so much more than words...

My dear dear dare angel-colleague! A soundtrack to your previous post about your ex (and because I just love the song and the choreography!)...This is what many guys do: they pull you near and push you away....
In the end they regret but then it is too late. Don't worry, you did the right thing!

Love me if you dare

Dear diary, yesterday I dared

... to tell my ex boyfriend to fuck off! I'll tell the story from the beginning. It's the guy that I've been writing about before. I saw him yesterday we were hangin on the same place, we have mutual friends... So we sat down and I had a smoke. last time I saw him we had a great time and we talked a lot about our feelings towards one and other. The day after I send him a text message which he never anwered. So anyways we sat down talking and for the second time he apologizes for not responding to my text messages. And I said to him:

- Yeah that was strange. We had a nice time and I just asked if you were alright and you don't answere. I was seconds from deleting your number. I felt so stupid.
- Yeah I know, but I just didn't know what to write back to you, because we had such a nice time and all and I didn't want to hurt you. I thought a lot about you after that night we had together.
- I just don't understand how you just don't answere, I would feel really bad if I did the same to you.
- Yeah I felt bad too. Every night for a week I thought about you and what to write back.
- And still you didn't answere. It's not like it was a message with words like love, mariage or kids. It was just : how are you doing? why should I apologize you when you still wont answere the next time?
- I don't know. I just don't want to hurt you.
- I hate those words, what do they mean?? Do you want to fuck and nothing else or just be friends? I don't understand!!
- You are a really nice girl, always kind, sexy and everything. Best friend you could Imagine.
- I like you too and I would really want to be your friend but I can't right now. It hurts too much to meet you, have sex and then try to live on without fooling myself.
- I understand. I just don't want to hurt you. I don't want a girlfriend.

Then I pointed at his shest with my finger and said to him while I stared in his blueblue eyes.

- Just so you know. You blewed a really good shot on a very good girl. And that's me.

I said it in a very calm voice and after that I just walked away. And it felt so good, Even though I cried a bit afterwards it felt nice to finely tell him that he can't use me just because I'm a nice person who also don't want to hurt people. That I'm nice doesn't nesserely make me stupid!

And this morning I deleted his numbers from my cellphone.
I wanted to hurt him, but maybe he just feels relief. But hopefully a little grief too.

Dear diary, this week I dared

...to go to the gym and meet a personal trainer to make a new workout schedule. The pt was a handsome guy with the most beautiful blue eyes you can imagine. A year ago I would have thought this whole situation really difficult, but now I could te3ll him what I was thinking and look him in the eyes.

After we'd sat down in his office we went out in the gym and he showed me diffrent workout metodes. I had to try while he corrected me. Every one else at the gym where staring at me... But I didn't get red in my face and I tried everything he asked for. I was proud!

And I'm also proud because I've desided not longer to hang out with my ex-boyfriend. He doesn't want me and I don't want to get hurt. So that's it!

Is it strange when....

for some reason almost all lyrics of songs you listen too apply to your current state of mind? Or am I just adjusting my mind to the lyrics? (now I'm really starting to understand songwriters)

Dear diary, yesterday I dared...

...to open the replying e-mail from my crush...
Every time I checked my mail I covered my eyes, a little bit scared to see if he had replied. Finally, on monday morning he did. The answer was what I expected: neutral and short. He also liked talking to me again and when I was in town I should let him know so we could go for a coffee. Well, at least he answered and the answer was positive. Still, I keep analyzing things and letting other people analyze. The two people that read his answer actually both said the same: what answer do you expect from an e-mail that is still open to many interpretations? He probably still doesn't know about your special feelings, just that you like talking to him and that you would like to talk to him again. Am I that unclear? I think he at least should be suspicious by now. I gave him so many signs in the past that I was especially interested in him. On the other hand, I have often been told that I am totally blind to signs from guys, so I'm probably not good at sending signs too. Maybe I shouldn't have revised my e-mail at the final moment, making it more neutral. I think he still has no idea...

But of course I am happy that we finally can go for a coffee and that I maybe can get to know him outside the office environment when I'm in town. The only problem left at the moment is: WHEN will I be in this town that is located 1500 km from here?

So true:

'Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear'

Dear diary, this friday, zaterday and today I dared...

... to do a lot of things actually. At first I dared to tell my dear dare friend a bunch of private things. I could feel that she was a person I could talk to but in one way I'm not used to talk about myself in that sort of way. I'm quite outgoing and can easily speak to people but to get to know me is harder. It's difficult for me to trust people and tell them about my true feelings and thoughts. It's hard for me to talk to people about my weakness, wich I by the way have a real problem accepting. It's not OK for me to be weak or show others that i feel weak. I'm alway scared that people will laugh at me or think that I'm making a big issue of things that aren't big.

I know a lot of poeple, but I have a few very close friends. I've started to get more personal with the people I meet that I think I know I can trust. My dear dare friend is one of my true friends that know a bunch of stuff about me. I'm glad that I could talk to her and that she didn't judge me. So that was one big thing that I dared to do and I don't feel empty like I somethimes do after I've spoken a lot about myself.

The other thing I dared to do, I did friday night while I was hanging out with a very good friend who also have been an boyfriend of mine. I dared to ask him why he'd broken up with me and we talked it through again. He said many nice and honest things and that made me glad. If he would have liked to have a girlfriend right now he would like me to be his girlfriend. But he's happy of the way things are right now. I think that's he's affraid because he knows what he gots but doesn't know what he might get.

It's sad, because in one way I still like him and he makes me feel very secure and happy. And he doesn't know that it's very important for me to still have your own life even though you are together with some one. But I'm proud that I've talked with him about my feelings even though I got a negative answere. He doesn't want to see me as a girlfriend right now... and maybe never but he likes me a lot any way.

It's been a good weekend, I've dared to do a lot of things and even though I feel very fat today I've been out among people and I ate lunch at a café. I tried not to think how my stomach looked in the clothes that I was wearing... but I did anyway. We went for a really long and refreshing walk. When we came home we made this blog because we need it so baaaadly and desperately! While my dear dare friend blogged I did some workout at home.

It's better to do something than nothing. And until I'm totaly (of at least more) secure of myself I will still fake it until I make it and try to be more nice too myself.

Dear diary, yesterday I dared...

... to send an e-mail to a guy that I like a lot. Of course I've send e-mails to him before but never one in which I expressed my true feelings. Those e-mails that I used to write to him were even more formal than to others just because I thought that the slightest nice word would make him think that I liked him. So contradictory...

It feels like the scariest thing to put these thoughts and feelings into words. On the other hand, to have it out of your head might be a relieve. I thought.

First I made a draft, later on I would make the decision if I would send it or not: ' To be honest, it takes a huge effort to write this e-mail...' hmmm that's not good. This might makes him think that normally I'm not honest. ' I think you are a nice guy and I like you' noooo I like him more than other guys. ' I think you are a very nice guy and I like you a lot.' That's better.

The e-mail should be to the point, but not too straightforward, I decided. He should not get scared. Maybe I should be quite neutral, so I could always save myself by saying that it was just an e-mail to tell him that I want him as a normal friend in the case his answer is 'negative'. That is one of my fears, next to the fear of him not replying at all and leaving me with a dissatisfied feeling.

And then my biggest fear (even bigger than him telling me that he is not interested) - In my head I can picture it happening: him opening the e-mail at his office. He starts laughing. His colleague will ask what he is laughing about. 'Well' , he will say, 'you remember that girl that worked here? She wrote this strange e-mail about that she thinks I'm a very nice guy and likes me a lot. Haha, I think you were right when you told me that you noticed that she always is blushing when talking to me and that you thought she was interested in me.' 'Can I read it?' his colleague will say. 'Of course, I will forward it to you.'

My head is full of scenario's about what can happen. After saving the draft, I still don't feel better. The only solution is to push the send-button. When it comes to making important decisions, unfortunately alcohol is the only thing that really kicks my ass. So after a few drinks this 'alcoholic-to-be' decided to push the button, meanwhile expecting to regret this decision the morning-after.

Currently it is the 'afternoon-after' and hallelujah! still no regrets! I'm not feeling better though: my frustration about him not knowing about my feelings has been replaced by frustration about him not writing back...