Dear diary...

...this music is not a reflection of my state of mind. I just like it and want to share it ;) It reminds me of the place where I spend last year and the two times I went to a concert of the artist...Maybe it's nostalgia, I don't really know.

Dear diary...

... today I felt real pure happiness twice! But first I want to tell my partner in crime, yes you my sweet dare angel friend that I started to write a comment on your post on the blog. But then I desiced to whrite on the blog instead. you inspired me.

I've desided to try to not picture happiness only with a man by my side. My friends tells me love comes when you've giving up the thought of needing a man. I think I'm doing pretty nice, all though I've only tried for approxamatly 24 h. :)

But I felt real happiness when I read my friends post on this blog today. And something in me realized that love comes in many chapes. Don't worry I'm no lesbian, but I love you, my dear friend! And it feels good not being out there alone in this love djungle.

De second time I got happy to day and my heart felt the warmth of love was when my dear friend E called. We just talked about the usual stuff and I didn't feel alone.

You are so right about running, it's really good for the heart, brain, mind and body. Off course. I wish I didn't had to take it easy this week. :( I have no idea what that diseace do to your body, you have to explain to me in a email or something.

Take care... a big godnighthug from me to you!

Dear diary, today I dared...

...to start running again! The last weeks I started to feel that my pants were too tight, my so-called 'love handles' were appearing again. Oh, how I hate those bumps on my hips! Since I stopped dancing and sit behind the computer all day, it was not really a big surprise.

Running has always been a good exercise even though I suck at it because I can't even run for 5 minutes! Anyway, today I couldn't take my feeling of being fat and lazy anymore and I jumped on my bike and went to a forest nearby. There I ran for about 45 minutes. Of course I got punished for my good behaviour when in the middle of an open field it started raining really bad. I was totally soaked. However, it felt so good! Exercise is not only good for the body but even better for the mind and I needed it.

The last weeks have been good. I have arranged interviews for my thesis with some important people and will travel there next week. I have passed my last exam. The 'bla-bla guy' has not contacted me in two weeks. Next weekend will bring two parties and I went for shopping therapy last weekend and bought a nice leather jacket and cute shoes.....

The only thing that maybe worries me a little is that I have had blood tests in the past week and they think I might have a disease called hyperthyroidism. Don't worry! It sounds terrible, but it's not that bad. You know, I would be relieved if it turns out that I have it because it explains so much! For example my feelings of total stress in my body which always get in the way of so many things.

So overall: Life is good!! Hope for you life is good too, my dear dare angel....

Dear diary...

today I wish for a bit of hope.

A Message to 'bitter-Berit'

I think I am being haunted by my own ‘bitter-Berit’ for years now, (maybe I should call her ‘defensive-Diane’ or something hihi)

I recognize the issues written down in the previous post. In many of my decisions I am totally trusting my inner-voice and it tells me that a guy is absolutely not my type. The arguments brought up by my inner-voice for him being not my type are partly stupid: the one time you met him he was talking crap (still, I think this is quite a legal argument), his way of asking you out was sooo cheesy, he has almost only girls reacting on his networking page so he should be a player, he is 28 years old and still single so there should be something wrong….and so on. So many thoughts…And it makes me build up a wall around me and create a defensive attitude.

Regarding the example of being in a car and passing these exits, maybe you should also ask yourself these questions: What if you take one of these exits on the highway? Where will these exits eventually lead to? It could be that you will come to a dead-end.
Wouldn’t it be better to turn off your thoughts and just go? I wish it was that easy…

Yesterday I had this talk with a friend of mine and she reminded me of the fact that I have nothing to lose. She told me to just go on a date and see. But to me that is already a big step while again that little voice in my head tells me that he will see it as a sign that I like him. On the other hand my consciousness tells me that this will be about the fourth time in a year that I will reject a guy before I have even taken the effort to get to know him better. I am afraid that I have created a prince charming in my head which simply doesn’t exist. I am waiting for the same feeling and connection that I feel with that guy thousands of kilometres away from me. And I am afraid that I will not feel that with any other guy anymore.

Maybe it’s time to declare war to these ‘bitter-Berits’ because really: what do we have to lose? And about your date: don’t worry about it, just go! You never know how it is when you don’t try….Afterwards you can say if it was a good move or not. If it was not: you learn from it. (I know, this all sounds sooo cheesy) Most importantly: the road is not one-way, you can always turn around!

(It’s easy to write this down, but now I will also have to convince my alter-ego when it comes to my date…)

Dear diary...

.. I know I'm supose to write things I dare but to day I freaked out and I'm wondering if I ever will find some one så perfect to be my prince charming.

I've told you about my up coming date this weekend and i felt so good and easygoing about the whole thing until 3,5 hours ago. After I talked to him. I have now a huge anxiety thats making me sweat and feel dizzy. How can I in one our feel that sparkling feeling in my stumach and the next moment just get out of my mind?

So I've read this book about relationship and ways to find a close loving relationship and stay with it. I can at least say I have issues with this! In the book they hade this great adwises what to do and one was about a car on the highway.

I should imagine I sat in a car driving on the highway and my only task was to keep driving and not turn off. On my right side I would se this signs with messages on it. The massages are reflections of my negative thoughts and I would read thm BUT not act on them.

So I'm amagine this now. I'm driving towards a unknown goal and all I have to do is to keep driving. I read the signs and this are the messages:

He is too young for you, he lives in Å - it says it all, he knows some of my former daters, he is a mothers son, he can't cook, he's probably not that active to do stuff, He'll be like my ex-boyfriend (bad thing), he will fool me and laugh behind my back, he just want to get layed, people around us will think`i'm weird being with a younger guy, if it's not working out I might to have to move, ofcorse he wouldn't like me, I'll get boored adventually and then I would hurt him anyway, I can't iagine us together, it feels wrong--then it is wrong, Logic, girl! Listen to yourself, turn away from the highway ore you'll be hurt. Listen to me, you are a fool, offcorse he doesn't like you and if he does he doesn't know what he's getting in to, maybe you should just spare him...ok?! Turn the next off before it's too late and you are stuck with a kid and a unsmart guy, You ar cheap, worthless and hopeless - accept that you are going to spend your life alone, because this is pathetic.

Holy banoly! That's a lot of negative thoughts and it's the first time I've wrote them down like this and can read them. I need to change this...There'll never be a guy perfect enough to be my prince charming.

I had this alter ego that I call bitter-Berit. Once upon a lifetime I created her to save me from getting hurt. And she helped me a lot, but the thing is that she now a days not only is saving me but protecting me from living life. And that's not what I want. I want love, I want to find true and longlasting love.

Please help me! Do you dear readers have any tip for me?

Dear diary today I dared to

send a facebook email to a guy that I would like to get to know. I sent: Hey, I think it would be cool if we could hang out some time. I'm busy this weekend but next zaterday evening I'm free. He answered in 20 minutes: Sure, it'll be fun. I'm going away this weekend but next I think I'm free. I answered: Great! Then maybe you could call me next week so we can deside a little bit more.

I was really scared and my coworker had to push the sendbutton because at first I didn't dare to do it. I'm afraid that he would make a fool out of me to his friends. My coworker asked me why he would do that. And if he would he's not the guy for you. He's smart :) I used to be smart too, but I don't know what happend.

My dear dare angel friend how's everything going for you?

Dear diary, today I dared to...

...call the dermatologist to cancel a facial peeling I was supposed to undergo next month. Since a few years I have had problems with my skin. I hated my big red nose with its huge pories (I always call it 'the strawberry on my face') and decided last spring to have a consult at the dermatologist. She advised me to go to a cosmetic dermatologist to have a facial peeling. This peeling consisted of a substance being put on my face and burning the upper layer of my skin so new skin would appear (I know, it sounds masochistic). Two weeks prior to the actual peeling I had to start using these cremes and after the peeling I would have a swollen face and was advised to use painkillers for one week. I also signed a contract which stated that I was aware about possible side effects. My god, now I am writing all these things down it even looks more crazy that I even thought about doing this!

Last months several friends told me not to do it while they didn't see the use of it. However, the real doubt came when even the lady of the tanning salon where I weekly go to told me that I really shouldn't do it because it was not necessary at all. I mean, she is a person that I don't even know very well, but her words were more trusting than those of all the others.

I do understand it when people decide to have cosmetic surgery or cosmetic changes of any kind, because it can raise confidence. I always compare it to the moment I got rid of my glasses and started wearing lenses. My dancing teacher one day told me she thought I showed so much more confidence since I was wearing those.

Still, I also realize that it is society that creates the beauty ideal and indirectly causes people deciding to turn to cosmetic surgery etc. There are these sayings like 'there is much more than what meets the eye'. I totally agree, but in reality the first impression often is the decisive one. Ok, I'm getting too philosophical here, I just think that feeling comfortable with how you look adds more to your appearance than any cosmetic change so I realize I have to work on that instead of turning to these artificial changes.

Dear diary today I dared to...

...stop and think before I acted om my feelings. You know sometimes bad things can be compared to real good chocolate. It's easy to take a piece without thinking but as soon as you taste it you just want more. And afterwards you get anxiety because once again you're stuck with you hand in the cookie jar - Wondering what the heck happend.

But today I stopped and thought about my options and consequences before I tasted that good sweet loving chocolate. And somewhere in my bright mind I realized that if I would fall for temptation I'd be very disapointed in myself and I would feel stupid. Because I've made this really good choices lately, that I'm proud of.

Chocolate is nice but it lasts for approximately five seconds before you have to take an other piece.