Dance says so much more than words...

My dear dear dare angel-colleague! A soundtrack to your previous post about your ex (and because I just love the song and the choreography!)...This is what many guys do: they pull you near and push you away....
In the end they regret but then it is too late. Don't worry, you did the right thing!

Love me if you dare

Dear diary, yesterday I dared

... to tell my ex boyfriend to fuck off! I'll tell the story from the beginning. It's the guy that I've been writing about before. I saw him yesterday we were hangin on the same place, we have mutual friends... So we sat down and I had a smoke. last time I saw him we had a great time and we talked a lot about our feelings towards one and other. The day after I send him a text message which he never anwered. So anyways we sat down talking and for the second time he apologizes for not responding to my text messages. And I said to him:

- Yeah that was strange. We had a nice time and I just asked if you were alright and you don't answere. I was seconds from deleting your number. I felt so stupid.
- Yeah I know, but I just didn't know what to write back to you, because we had such a nice time and all and I didn't want to hurt you. I thought a lot about you after that night we had together.
- I just don't understand how you just don't answere, I would feel really bad if I did the same to you.
- Yeah I felt bad too. Every night for a week I thought about you and what to write back.
- And still you didn't answere. It's not like it was a message with words like love, mariage or kids. It was just : how are you doing? why should I apologize you when you still wont answere the next time?
- I don't know. I just don't want to hurt you.
- I hate those words, what do they mean?? Do you want to fuck and nothing else or just be friends? I don't understand!!
- You are a really nice girl, always kind, sexy and everything. Best friend you could Imagine.
- I like you too and I would really want to be your friend but I can't right now. It hurts too much to meet you, have sex and then try to live on without fooling myself.
- I understand. I just don't want to hurt you. I don't want a girlfriend.

Then I pointed at his shest with my finger and said to him while I stared in his blueblue eyes.

- Just so you know. You blewed a really good shot on a very good girl. And that's me.

I said it in a very calm voice and after that I just walked away. And it felt so good, Even though I cried a bit afterwards it felt nice to finely tell him that he can't use me just because I'm a nice person who also don't want to hurt people. That I'm nice doesn't nesserely make me stupid!

And this morning I deleted his numbers from my cellphone.
I wanted to hurt him, but maybe he just feels relief. But hopefully a little grief too.

Dear diary, this week I dared

...to go to the gym and meet a personal trainer to make a new workout schedule. The pt was a handsome guy with the most beautiful blue eyes you can imagine. A year ago I would have thought this whole situation really difficult, but now I could te3ll him what I was thinking and look him in the eyes.

After we'd sat down in his office we went out in the gym and he showed me diffrent workout metodes. I had to try while he corrected me. Every one else at the gym where staring at me... But I didn't get red in my face and I tried everything he asked for. I was proud!

And I'm also proud because I've desided not longer to hang out with my ex-boyfriend. He doesn't want me and I don't want to get hurt. So that's it!

Is it strange when....

for some reason almost all lyrics of songs you listen too apply to your current state of mind? Or am I just adjusting my mind to the lyrics? (now I'm really starting to understand songwriters)

Dear diary, yesterday I dared...

...to open the replying e-mail from my crush...
Every time I checked my mail I covered my eyes, a little bit scared to see if he had replied. Finally, on monday morning he did. The answer was what I expected: neutral and short. He also liked talking to me again and when I was in town I should let him know so we could go for a coffee. Well, at least he answered and the answer was positive. Still, I keep analyzing things and letting other people analyze. The two people that read his answer actually both said the same: what answer do you expect from an e-mail that is still open to many interpretations? He probably still doesn't know about your special feelings, just that you like talking to him and that you would like to talk to him again. Am I that unclear? I think he at least should be suspicious by now. I gave him so many signs in the past that I was especially interested in him. On the other hand, I have often been told that I am totally blind to signs from guys, so I'm probably not good at sending signs too. Maybe I shouldn't have revised my e-mail at the final moment, making it more neutral. I think he still has no idea...

But of course I am happy that we finally can go for a coffee and that I maybe can get to know him outside the office environment when I'm in town. The only problem left at the moment is: WHEN will I be in this town that is located 1500 km from here?

So true:

'Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear'

Dear diary, this friday, zaterday and today I dared...

... to do a lot of things actually. At first I dared to tell my dear dare friend a bunch of private things. I could feel that she was a person I could talk to but in one way I'm not used to talk about myself in that sort of way. I'm quite outgoing and can easily speak to people but to get to know me is harder. It's difficult for me to trust people and tell them about my true feelings and thoughts. It's hard for me to talk to people about my weakness, wich I by the way have a real problem accepting. It's not OK for me to be weak or show others that i feel weak. I'm alway scared that people will laugh at me or think that I'm making a big issue of things that aren't big.

I know a lot of poeple, but I have a few very close friends. I've started to get more personal with the people I meet that I think I know I can trust. My dear dare friend is one of my true friends that know a bunch of stuff about me. I'm glad that I could talk to her and that she didn't judge me. So that was one big thing that I dared to do and I don't feel empty like I somethimes do after I've spoken a lot about myself.

The other thing I dared to do, I did friday night while I was hanging out with a very good friend who also have been an boyfriend of mine. I dared to ask him why he'd broken up with me and we talked it through again. He said many nice and honest things and that made me glad. If he would have liked to have a girlfriend right now he would like me to be his girlfriend. But he's happy of the way things are right now. I think that's he's affraid because he knows what he gots but doesn't know what he might get.

It's sad, because in one way I still like him and he makes me feel very secure and happy. And he doesn't know that it's very important for me to still have your own life even though you are together with some one. But I'm proud that I've talked with him about my feelings even though I got a negative answere. He doesn't want to see me as a girlfriend right now... and maybe never but he likes me a lot any way.

It's been a good weekend, I've dared to do a lot of things and even though I feel very fat today I've been out among people and I ate lunch at a café. I tried not to think how my stomach looked in the clothes that I was wearing... but I did anyway. We went for a really long and refreshing walk. When we came home we made this blog because we need it so baaaadly and desperately! While my dear dare friend blogged I did some workout at home.

It's better to do something than nothing. And until I'm totaly (of at least more) secure of myself I will still fake it until I make it and try to be more nice too myself.

Dear diary, yesterday I dared...

... to send an e-mail to a guy that I like a lot. Of course I've send e-mails to him before but never one in which I expressed my true feelings. Those e-mails that I used to write to him were even more formal than to others just because I thought that the slightest nice word would make him think that I liked him. So contradictory...

It feels like the scariest thing to put these thoughts and feelings into words. On the other hand, to have it out of your head might be a relieve. I thought.

First I made a draft, later on I would make the decision if I would send it or not: ' To be honest, it takes a huge effort to write this e-mail...' hmmm that's not good. This might makes him think that normally I'm not honest. ' I think you are a nice guy and I like you' noooo I like him more than other guys. ' I think you are a very nice guy and I like you a lot.' That's better.

The e-mail should be to the point, but not too straightforward, I decided. He should not get scared. Maybe I should be quite neutral, so I could always save myself by saying that it was just an e-mail to tell him that I want him as a normal friend in the case his answer is 'negative'. That is one of my fears, next to the fear of him not replying at all and leaving me with a dissatisfied feeling.

And then my biggest fear (even bigger than him telling me that he is not interested) - In my head I can picture it happening: him opening the e-mail at his office. He starts laughing. His colleague will ask what he is laughing about. 'Well' , he will say, 'you remember that girl that worked here? She wrote this strange e-mail about that she thinks I'm a very nice guy and likes me a lot. Haha, I think you were right when you told me that you noticed that she always is blushing when talking to me and that you thought she was interested in me.' 'Can I read it?' his colleague will say. 'Of course, I will forward it to you.'

My head is full of scenario's about what can happen. After saving the draft, I still don't feel better. The only solution is to push the send-button. When it comes to making important decisions, unfortunately alcohol is the only thing that really kicks my ass. So after a few drinks this 'alcoholic-to-be' decided to push the button, meanwhile expecting to regret this decision the morning-after.

Currently it is the 'afternoon-after' and hallelujah! still no regrets! I'm not feeling better though: my frustration about him not knowing about my feelings has been replaced by frustration about him not writing back...