... to send an e-mail to a guy that I like a lot. Of course I've send e-mails to him before but never one in which I expressed my true feelings. Those e-mails that I used to write to him were even more formal than to others just because I thought that the slightest nice word would make him think that I liked him. So contradictory...
It feels like the scariest thing to put these thoughts and feelings into words. On the other hand, to have it out of your head might be a relieve. I thought.
First I made a draft, later on I would make the decision if I would send it or not: ' To be honest, it takes a huge effort to write this e-mail...' hmmm that's not good. This might makes him think that normally I'm not honest. ' I think you are a nice guy and I like you' noooo I like him more than other guys. ' I think you are a very nice guy and I like you a lot.' That's better.
The e-mail should be to the point, but not too straightforward, I decided. He should not get scared. Maybe I should be quite neutral, so I could always save myself by saying that it was just an e-mail to tell him that I want him as a normal friend in the case his answer is 'negative'. That is one of my fears, next to the fear of him not replying at all and leaving me with a dissatisfied feeling.
And then my biggest fear (even bigger than him telling me that he is not interested) - In my head I can picture it happening: him opening the e-mail at his office. He starts laughing. His colleague will ask what he is laughing about. 'Well' , he will say, 'you remember that girl that worked here? She wrote this strange e-mail about that she thinks I'm a very nice guy and likes me a lot. Haha, I think you were right when you told me that you noticed that she always is blushing when talking to me and that you thought she was interested in me.' 'Can I read it?' his colleague will say. 'Of course, I will forward it to you.'
My head is full of scenario's about what can happen. After saving the draft, I still don't feel better. The only solution is to push the send-button. When it comes to making important decisions, unfortunately alcohol is the only thing that really kicks my ass. So after a few drinks this 'alcoholic-to-be' decided to push the button, meanwhile expecting to regret this decision the morning-after.
Currently it is the 'afternoon-after' and hallelujah! still no regrets! I'm not feeling better though: my frustration about him not knowing about my feelings has been replaced by frustration about him not writing back...
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