Dear diary, last week I dared

... to tell a guy my true feelings of dissapointments, sadness and anger. This guy, I call him R, has had special place in my heart for a long time. I can't call it love, but strong and true attraction. I've had a hard time letting go of him and eventhough I've not admitted it to myself I've been dreaming about him and imagined our future together. Thats so tipical me! (I get tired of my self)

Any ways, last week I was on vacation with my two friends HE and HD in the town were he lives. We had earlier talked about getting together during the week so I send him a textmessage in the beginning of the week, just saying hi and telling him I'm in town. I have to admit that I had hoped for a little more entusiasm then I got. He didn't answere in two whole days. And me and my friends had a big discussions how it could be. I desided to send him another textmessage. Saying sorry that we didnä't get in touch with each other yesterday, because we had a beautiful day by the sea. I wrote that it would be nice to get together during the week but that it was OK if he didn't want to or didn't have the time. Just let me know. Then I got an answere: Sorry that my answere is coming so late. I've been real busy these days. It would be very nice (sv:mysigt) to get together. I'll try. Hugs.

I was so happy! I jumped up and down and making weird faces in the mirror. Two days went by without him calling or texting me. And I began to loose hope again. But with my two friends I desided to write him a propotion that he could say no to if he wanted. So I sended: Hi, I was just wondering if you want to eat lunch with med on zaterday. I got an answere back: That I can do (weird answere I thought, but what the heck he wants to see me!) On zaterday morning he sended a textmessage that said that he was too tired to get up because he worked until 07:00 this morning. He wondered if I could go for a coffee with him on sunday. But I was leaving then so we desided to meat 19:30 that evening instead.

I was happy again, but also a it anoid on the whole situation. I felt like I've forced him to meet me. I had a feeling that it wouldn't turn out as good as I hoped and I almost wanted to write to him thanx but no thanx. Then I said to my self: It's just a coffee and I know the guy. Maybe meeting him can help me sort out my feelings. I started to get ready and also got very nervous at the same time. When I was sitting at the tram, late for the meeting I got a textmessage from R. F! I'm sorry but I don't have time to meet you today. But my friend A is going out with a friend. Maybe you could meet him for a coffee instead. I write his number to you.

...

Anger, dissapointment and a big ? *What the f*ck* I got so mad, I usally don't get very mad but this time I just freaked. 1000 thoughts were cirkeling my head and I didn't know what to do or think. I called A, but then turned the call of. I wrote to R : What? (didn't get any answere...figured!)

But then I thought. My options were to:
A) get the next tram back to my friends place and spend the whole evening feeling stupid and discussing the big loser and his behavior.

B) call A and meet him again. (the most helarious guy I've ever met) Have a coffee and just talk. I was ready to go out and the girls back in the appartment weren't up for an night out like I was.

So I called A. He felt sorry for me and admitted that his friends behoavior was a bit odd, especially when he, R, was sleeping at the moment. So A said that he would meet up with me as soon as his friend was ready to go. I sat down and got som food from a store. I called HE and HD to tell them about the whole thing. They got as upset as me. HE thought that I should tell A how dissapointed and sad I got by R's behavior. Because R would really listen to his best friend A.

Anyway A and his friend D came and later on their friend M also. We sat down in a café and had a couple of beers. We talked about relationships and stuff. And A was really sweet. He saw thru me and pointed out my problems actually without knowing me very well. He said that I should start believe in me and stop waiting for guys to choose me. If I meet a guy I need to diside if I want to meet him again or not, don't just wait for him to make his desission. Then he asked me if I think something is wrong with me. I looked at him and I didn't know what he was going for... so I asked what he ment. He asked me again: do you thik that something is wrong with you?
- maybe my stumach is ugly.... I said.
- That's what I'm talking about! There is nothing wrong with you! I look at you and I see nothing wrong!
- thank you, I said happy but felt a bit stupid.

Any ways I'll try to get to the point here. The guys desided to go further on to the place were R works, It's one of the best nightclubs in town. I didn't like the idea but M had promised me to give me a ride home later on and I thought that it might be good to talk to R face to face. I did understand during my chat with the guys that this behavior of him is very common among his friends. And M had also got dished today by him.

At the nightclub I said hi to R and when he hugged me I tried to just as a joke kick him between his legs. So he should understand that I wasn't glad to see him. He understood. i got to tell him about my feelings and he tried to come with excuses, but I didn't want to listen to them. So I went away with A, D and M and we danced and had a really good time. When it was time to go home I came by R again and I opened my mouth but he said. Before you say something. I've been thinking about what you said and I'm sorry. I've learned a thing or two.

It looked like he really ment it. I hugged him and said good. Now if you want contact with me you have to call me. Because I erased your numbers from my cellphone in anger. If you don't want contact, don't bother calling or sending textmessages.

This whole experience was good. His behavior was swinish (is that a new word). But I learned a lot about my self and now I've let him go emotionally. Now he's just one of those guys that I've had great moments with but nothing further. I had a lovely evening with three nice and handsome guys. Who knew I was supose to meet three new friends just because one dished me? What can a girl dream more of than being the center of diskussions for a whole evening?

I need to start like me and see myself from an other view. I'm worth finding love. And I'm worth a man who knows how to threat a woman and ask her out and stuff. I'm worth waiting for. Guys need and wants to hunt - there for I'll from this moment try to be a victim of hunt rather then the hunter myself.